I, on behalf of my fellow design engineers, want to tell my dear GM the following points to remember.
Hope my fellow mates will understand . Hail designing. hail calculations, hell blah blah blah
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
3. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
4. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
5. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
6. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
7. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight up the corporate ladder.
8. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good General manager n how u have to weave through traffic evryday in your air conditioned car with customised music system .
9. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a great performance rating BUT with ONLY a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
10.Feed me all the sweets YOUR wife packs FOR you in your lunch box thus forcing me to change my wardrobe twice yearly .
Thursday, August 27, 2009
RANTTTTTTTT ....BORROWED ONE
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, and your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, and your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
How I feel has nothing to do with how much I have
A freind forwarded this message to me ....liked it...so posting it over here ...
Money has no memory. Experience has. You will never know what the total cost of your education was, but for a lifetime you will recall and relive the memories of schools and colleges. Few years from now, you will forget the amount you paid to settle the hospitalization bill, but will ever cherish having saved your mother's life or the life you get to live with the just born. You won't remember the cost of your honeymoon, but to the last breath remember the experiences of the bliss of togetherness. Money has no memory. Experience has.
Good times and bad times, times of prosperity and times of poverty, times when the future looked so secure and times when you didn't know from where the tomorrow will come… life has been in one way or the other a roller-coaster ride for everyone. Beyond all that abundance and beyond all that deprivation, what remains is the memory of experiences. Sometimes the wallet was full… sometimes even the pocket was empty. There was enough and you still had reasons to frown. There wasn't enough and you still had reasons to smile. Today, you can look back with tears of gratitude for all the times you had laughed together, and also look back with a smile at all the times you cried alone. All in all, life filled you with experiences to create a history of your own self, and you alone can remember them all.
The first time you balanced yourself on your cycle without support…
The first time she said 'yes' and it was two years since you proposed…
The first cry… the first steps… the first word… the first kiss… all of your child…
The first gift you bought for your parents and the first gift your daughter gave you…
The first award… the first public appreciation… the first stage performance…
And the list is endless… Experiences, with timeless memory…
No denying that anything that's material cost money, but the fact remains the cost of the material will be forgotten, but the experience never.
So, what if it's economic recession? Let it be, but let there not be a recession to the quality of your life. You can still take your parents, if not on a pilgrimage, at least to the local temple. You can still play with your children, if not on an international holiday, at least in the local park. It doesn't cost money to lie down or to take a loved one onto your lap. Nice time to train the employees, create leadership availability and be ready for the wonderful times when they arrive. Hey! Aspects like your health, knowledge development and spiritual growth are not economy dependent.
Time will pass… economy will revive… currency will soon be in current… and in all this, I don't want you to look back and realise you did nothing but stayed in gloom. Recession can make you lose out on money. Let it not make you lose out on experiences… If you are not happy with what you have, no matter how much more you have, you will still not be happy.
Make a statement with the way you live your life: How I feel has nothing to do with how much I have.
"The best way to predict future is to create it!"
Money has no memory. Experience has. You will never know what the total cost of your education was, but for a lifetime you will recall and relive the memories of schools and colleges. Few years from now, you will forget the amount you paid to settle the hospitalization bill, but will ever cherish having saved your mother's life or the life you get to live with the just born. You won't remember the cost of your honeymoon, but to the last breath remember the experiences of the bliss of togetherness. Money has no memory. Experience has.
Good times and bad times, times of prosperity and times of poverty, times when the future looked so secure and times when you didn't know from where the tomorrow will come… life has been in one way or the other a roller-coaster ride for everyone. Beyond all that abundance and beyond all that deprivation, what remains is the memory of experiences. Sometimes the wallet was full… sometimes even the pocket was empty. There was enough and you still had reasons to frown. There wasn't enough and you still had reasons to smile. Today, you can look back with tears of gratitude for all the times you had laughed together, and also look back with a smile at all the times you cried alone. All in all, life filled you with experiences to create a history of your own self, and you alone can remember them all.
The first time you balanced yourself on your cycle without support…
The first time she said 'yes' and it was two years since you proposed…
The first cry… the first steps… the first word… the first kiss… all of your child…
The first gift you bought for your parents and the first gift your daughter gave you…
The first award… the first public appreciation… the first stage performance…
And the list is endless… Experiences, with timeless memory…
No denying that anything that's material cost money, but the fact remains the cost of the material will be forgotten, but the experience never.
So, what if it's economic recession? Let it be, but let there not be a recession to the quality of your life. You can still take your parents, if not on a pilgrimage, at least to the local temple. You can still play with your children, if not on an international holiday, at least in the local park. It doesn't cost money to lie down or to take a loved one onto your lap. Nice time to train the employees, create leadership availability and be ready for the wonderful times when they arrive. Hey! Aspects like your health, knowledge development and spiritual growth are not economy dependent.
Time will pass… economy will revive… currency will soon be in current… and in all this, I don't want you to look back and realise you did nothing but stayed in gloom. Recession can make you lose out on money. Let it not make you lose out on experiences… If you are not happy with what you have, no matter how much more you have, you will still not be happy.
Make a statement with the way you live your life: How I feel has nothing to do with how much I have.
"The best way to predict future is to create it!"
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
THE KID WITH GOLDEN SIGHT
Recently I had gone to a hospital with my mom to visit a sick relative of ours. After exchanging some pleasantries with me she became engrossed chatting with my mom. I decided to leave both of them alone and went for a walk in the adjoining garden which thankfully was maintained very well. I went and sat on a concrete bench besides a small tree bearing tiny but beautiful purple flowers and started listening to Akon singing about.
Just then a young kid all tired from play and out of breath approached me. He looked at me and with great excitement said “look what I have found”. I looked at his muddied hands and at the half dried rose that lay in it. I faked a smile and leaned back my head on the bench hoping that he would go away.
But instead of going away he sat next to me and placing the flower on his nose enthusiastically chimed “It smells great, see how beautiful it is. Here I picked it for you”. Thinking that at least after I take it he will go away I decided to accept it. I reached my hand forward and said “Thanks yaar, it looks great”. But instead of placing the rose in my hands he just held it in thin air.
And then it HIT me, it HIT me BIG TIME. THE KID WAS BLIND.
I heard my voice quiver and could see the tears shining in the setting evening sun as I thanked him for picking such a beautiful rose. “You’re welcome” he smiled and scrambled off to play in the garden totally unaware of the crater that he had made in my heart ……
As I sat there in the garden I pondered how we all move and live in this beautiful world like we are blind. Silently offering a prayer to the almighty for sending this little angel who opened my eyes I wondered that perhaps he was the one who was blessed with the true sight .I silently vowed to see and appreciate the beauty that lies hidden in every corner of this world as we go about our busy days.
I took the dried, wilted rose to my nose and breathed in the sweet essence and smiled as I watched that young kid with another weed in his hand about to change the life of an unsuspecting old patient sitting forlornly some distance away.
Monday, July 6, 2009
MICHAEL JACKSON'S GHOST ....SEE IT HERE ...
yeah yeah yeah I was skeptical too ..but this was filmed while shooting Larry King Live and hosted by Larry King a respected and widely watched T.V Presenter on CNN and not by any Tom Dick or Harry of a paparazzi ....so all u skeptical people out there watch the video carefully and if ur darned impatient like me ;) ..u can fast fwd it to somewhere in the middle when a caption appears on the screen to watch out for Michael Jackson's ghost ...you can ACTUALLY see a shadow of someone passing through the end of the corridor .......this is as real as it can get ....
Monday, June 29, 2009
BEST ENGINEERING DIALOGUES
Best Engineering memories!There’s a thing called viva (orals) in engineering that most public (I mean the students) abhor ….why? Firstly we aren’t prepared at all for it, what with all the journals and assignments to write, and the dreaded submissions, and practicals to attend and “other” important work to do (come to think of it we are NEVER prepared!!!!!)
Secondly there’s a creature that goes by the name of external (lunatic out of work profs from other colleges), who conducts the viva, and who are hell bent on making our lives miserable by asking stupid idiotic questions which mostly are out of the syllabus (I mean asking when is Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday in a Fluid Mechanics oral just because our college is named after the leader can only be termed as the height a lunatic can reach, and trust me there WERE plenty of heights reached by members of this tribe)
Thirdly the oral is a process which gives instant feedback to a student on his fate. He comes to know right there -on the basis of questions asked by the lunatic-weather he is passed or if his fate has been sealed because the lunatic prof. who has come to conduct the orals has had a major fight with his wife the morning of the said day!!!
I’ve seen students studying for the orals like their life depended on it. These folks may not take the book in their hands for the written exams but they will learn their hearts out for the orals!!!
Our great mechanical department was mostly based in the basement .so on the day of the viva you would see folks in various body positions sitting on the stairs leading down mugging. The most tensed up items would be roll number one and two (orals are mostly conducted in batches of two).so the first of the two warriors would be getting ready ,reading furiously from 4 books spread before them , asking questions to fellow warriors in rapid static bursts …what’s the Knudsen number? Whats the Navier-Stokes equations? Whats the Bernoulli’s equation? Whats the difference between the two equations? When is Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday?!!!!!!!!!!
Answers are fired back in similar static bursts from all around …the atmosphere is tense the air thick with mystery and tension ….and suddenly someone asks in all seriousness “aaj kounse subject ka viva hai yaar?” there are peels of laughter from all over. This is our in-house official clown cum prankster cum everything –satta.I forgot his real name but even our professors used to call him that.
Once I had the real fortune of going for the Fluid Mechanics viva with this guy (was paired with him because some VJTI prof. had come and he decided to pair the junta randomly according to roll numbers) .Now both of us are as prepared as we can be (read: we aren’t prepared at all) and are really scared to our b@#$$% coz we have come to know via our local prof. that this fellow is a real khadus guy. We go inside wish the external and get prepared to be badgered. He takes my journal in his hand and starts going through the stuff that ive written.
External: nice handwriting
Me (thank god): thank you sir.
He just rushes through the pages n comes back to the first page which is the certificate page and has my name written on it.
External: so your name’s LEONARDO??
Me: Leonard sir
External: ohh so Ur just ‘o’ short from becoming the great Leonardo da Vinci huh? hahahahahah heheheheheheh
Me and satta (both of us thought this was a stupid joke but what the hell the external is laughing for god’s sake so while in lunatic land do as the lunatics do !!!): hahahahahah heheheheheheh
External: so Leonardo what are your hobbies? Do you paint?
Me: yes yes of course sir (I do I really do)
External: Great yaar, nice to know that.
He then proceeds to Sign my journal……End of viva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Satta who is sitting besides me is elated .He thinks the oral is over for the BOTH of us. But his joy is short lived .External takes satta’s journal in his hand, flips through it and comes to some assignment satta, like the most of us, has copied from some other guy.
External (squinting hard to read what satta has written): Terrible handwriting you have .Tell me the Bernoulli’s equation?
Satta just stares at him like he has been hit by a ton of bricks ….
Satta (what the f#$% is that???): sir uhhhh huhhhhh uhhh Bernoulli’s equation????
External: ok fine tell me the difference between Newtonian vs. non-Newtonian fluids.
Satta (W.t.f??): uhhhh huhhhhh
External: ok write down the Bernoulli’s equation here on this paper
Satta doesn’t know what the hell he is talking; he just stares at him with his mouth wide open …
External: ok tell me which chapters have you studied for your orals today?
Satta (the ever clever genius in making excuses): sir I have a K.T paper tomorrow morning, I was studying that sir for the past three days.
External: ohh ok .which subject is it?
Satta: Applied Thermodynamics-1 third SEM sir
External: thik hain I will ask you on that!!!!!!!!!!
Satta who hasn’t studied a word of that subject either knows that he is in serious shit now …he grabs my hand with his by now sweating hand from under the table and looks pleadingly at me.
External: Tell me the properties of a fluid
Satta: uhhh huhhh properties of a fluid???
External (getting irritated): you don’t know the properties of a fluid???
Satta: uhh huhhhh uhhh hhhhh …………….
External (pissed): get out of here and please come prepared the next time (indirectly saying you’re failed)
External (looking at me): Leonardo teach him some things will you??
Me: yes sir yes sir...
So now that you get a general idea about how our orals are conducted, am gonna give you the choicest of picks from the most commonly used dialogues and phrases from engineering …here goes …
VIVA (b4 going for the orals)
"viva?? Are baba Submission he kiya nahin hain toh VIVA kya ghanta dega??"
“Aaj kounsa viva hain yaar ?”
“Anna aur tholya ko wapaas andar bulaya hain’’
“pagal ye iis subject mein nahin atta !!!!!’’
“External is asking coefficient of viscosity of sea water!!!”
VIVA (after oral)
“daji ke notes mein se puch rahan hain’’
"Salla sab syllabus ke bahar se pucch rahan hain"
" ye aise solve karte hai kya? Maine udhar kuch dusra kiya !!!"
"library mein ye book khatam ho gayi hain "
During Lecture
"Baba (our class scholi) ke tiffin main se wafer nikal… Bahot Bhook lagi hai" (This by the way is a RGIT mechanical special)
"Gaurav tera DOM ka assignment 3 de dal , muje likhna hain !!"
”Journal paper hai?? Assignment likhna hain!!!!"
"Yeh Gadekar ka bhi lecture lene wala hain kya?"
"Yeh kya padha raha hai yaar??????!!"(This is common patented mechanical stuff)
On being Late
(This is a classic..Can be used anytime)
“Train was late"
"Was caught up in the Traffic at four bungalows"(Most Profs who came via this junction would buy this excuse)
SOM/ATD/FMC/MEMC Lab
"Practicals kab hone wala hai?" Maine last time ka Exp. Nahin likha…
(This is a classic)"calculations mein Karna kya hai??"
" sir ne Attendance liya kya ??"
Monthly Test
(on the day of the test)"Aaj kounsa test hai?"
“Attendance compulsory hain kya?”
"Yeh usne kab sikhaya??"
Assignments
KOM ka dusra assg de ….nahin hain? Tisra dein daaal …nahin hain? Choutha de!!!!!!!!"
"Sir Ne MEMC ka last date extend kiya tha"
"extend kiya tha? Lekin mujhe last date pata nahin thi "
Submission
student 1: ye word kya hain? Aise kiv likha hain ?
Student 2: Maine gaurav ka copy kiya hain ...mera assignment chk ho gaya hain …jyada sawal mat puch..chup chap likh daal"
" Ye bhi chhapna hai kya??"
"Iska graph chipkana hai kya?"
(RGIT mechanical special) "Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"
EXAM
"ye mat padh ye last time hi poochha thaa”
"Jo main learn karke jata hun , woh paper mein aata hi nahi aur jo nahi karta hai wohi aata hai"
"tere paas Daji ke notes hai??"
"ye question isbar ayega …past paper mein har 2 saal ke baad poocha hai"
" nahi samjha??? Ratta maar "
(RGIT mech special.... when a guy is intensely solving a prblm other guy goes there and tries to understand what he is doing and upon NOT understanding)…. "Yeh nahi aayega !!!"
Secondly there’s a creature that goes by the name of external (lunatic out of work profs from other colleges), who conducts the viva, and who are hell bent on making our lives miserable by asking stupid idiotic questions which mostly are out of the syllabus (I mean asking when is Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday in a Fluid Mechanics oral just because our college is named after the leader can only be termed as the height a lunatic can reach, and trust me there WERE plenty of heights reached by members of this tribe)
Thirdly the oral is a process which gives instant feedback to a student on his fate. He comes to know right there -on the basis of questions asked by the lunatic-weather he is passed or if his fate has been sealed because the lunatic prof. who has come to conduct the orals has had a major fight with his wife the morning of the said day!!!
I’ve seen students studying for the orals like their life depended on it. These folks may not take the book in their hands for the written exams but they will learn their hearts out for the orals!!!
Our great mechanical department was mostly based in the basement .so on the day of the viva you would see folks in various body positions sitting on the stairs leading down mugging. The most tensed up items would be roll number one and two (orals are mostly conducted in batches of two).so the first of the two warriors would be getting ready ,reading furiously from 4 books spread before them , asking questions to fellow warriors in rapid static bursts …what’s the Knudsen number? Whats the Navier-Stokes equations? Whats the Bernoulli’s equation? Whats the difference between the two equations? When is Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday?!!!!!!!!!!
Answers are fired back in similar static bursts from all around …the atmosphere is tense the air thick with mystery and tension ….and suddenly someone asks in all seriousness “aaj kounse subject ka viva hai yaar?” there are peels of laughter from all over. This is our in-house official clown cum prankster cum everything –satta.I forgot his real name but even our professors used to call him that.
Once I had the real fortune of going for the Fluid Mechanics viva with this guy (was paired with him because some VJTI prof. had come and he decided to pair the junta randomly according to roll numbers) .Now both of us are as prepared as we can be (read: we aren’t prepared at all) and are really scared to our b@#$$% coz we have come to know via our local prof. that this fellow is a real khadus guy. We go inside wish the external and get prepared to be badgered. He takes my journal in his hand and starts going through the stuff that ive written.
External: nice handwriting
Me (thank god): thank you sir.
He just rushes through the pages n comes back to the first page which is the certificate page and has my name written on it.
External: so your name’s LEONARDO??
Me: Leonard sir
External: ohh so Ur just ‘o’ short from becoming the great Leonardo da Vinci huh? hahahahahah heheheheheheh
Me and satta (both of us thought this was a stupid joke but what the hell the external is laughing for god’s sake so while in lunatic land do as the lunatics do !!!): hahahahahah heheheheheheh
External: so Leonardo what are your hobbies? Do you paint?
Me: yes yes of course sir (I do I really do)
External: Great yaar, nice to know that.
He then proceeds to Sign my journal……End of viva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Satta who is sitting besides me is elated .He thinks the oral is over for the BOTH of us. But his joy is short lived .External takes satta’s journal in his hand, flips through it and comes to some assignment satta, like the most of us, has copied from some other guy.
External (squinting hard to read what satta has written): Terrible handwriting you have .Tell me the Bernoulli’s equation?
Satta just stares at him like he has been hit by a ton of bricks ….
Satta (what the f#$% is that???): sir uhhhh huhhhhh uhhh Bernoulli’s equation????
External: ok fine tell me the difference between Newtonian vs. non-Newtonian fluids.
Satta (W.t.f??): uhhhh huhhhhh
External: ok write down the Bernoulli’s equation here on this paper
Satta doesn’t know what the hell he is talking; he just stares at him with his mouth wide open …
External: ok tell me which chapters have you studied for your orals today?
Satta (the ever clever genius in making excuses): sir I have a K.T paper tomorrow morning, I was studying that sir for the past three days.
External: ohh ok .which subject is it?
Satta: Applied Thermodynamics-1 third SEM sir
External: thik hain I will ask you on that!!!!!!!!!!
Satta who hasn’t studied a word of that subject either knows that he is in serious shit now …he grabs my hand with his by now sweating hand from under the table and looks pleadingly at me.
External: Tell me the properties of a fluid
Satta: uhhh huhhh properties of a fluid???
External (getting irritated): you don’t know the properties of a fluid???
Satta: uhh huhhhh uhhh hhhhh …………….
External (pissed): get out of here and please come prepared the next time (indirectly saying you’re failed)
External (looking at me): Leonardo teach him some things will you??
Me: yes sir yes sir...
So now that you get a general idea about how our orals are conducted, am gonna give you the choicest of picks from the most commonly used dialogues and phrases from engineering …here goes …
VIVA (b4 going for the orals)
"viva?? Are baba Submission he kiya nahin hain toh VIVA kya ghanta dega??"
“Aaj kounsa viva hain yaar ?”
“Anna aur tholya ko wapaas andar bulaya hain’’
“pagal ye iis subject mein nahin atta !!!!!’’
“External is asking coefficient of viscosity of sea water!!!”
VIVA (after oral)
“daji ke notes mein se puch rahan hain’’
"Salla sab syllabus ke bahar se pucch rahan hain"
" ye aise solve karte hai kya? Maine udhar kuch dusra kiya !!!"
"library mein ye book khatam ho gayi hain "
During Lecture
"Baba (our class scholi) ke tiffin main se wafer nikal… Bahot Bhook lagi hai" (This by the way is a RGIT mechanical special)
"Gaurav tera DOM ka assignment 3 de dal , muje likhna hain !!"
”Journal paper hai?? Assignment likhna hain!!!!"
"Yeh Gadekar ka bhi lecture lene wala hain kya?"
"Yeh kya padha raha hai yaar??????!!"(This is common patented mechanical stuff)
On being Late
(This is a classic..Can be used anytime)
“Train was late"
"Was caught up in the Traffic at four bungalows"(Most Profs who came via this junction would buy this excuse)
SOM/ATD/FMC/MEMC Lab
"Practicals kab hone wala hai?" Maine last time ka Exp. Nahin likha…
(This is a classic)"calculations mein Karna kya hai??"
" sir ne Attendance liya kya ??"
Monthly Test
(on the day of the test)"Aaj kounsa test hai?"
“Attendance compulsory hain kya?”
"Yeh usne kab sikhaya??"
Assignments
KOM ka dusra assg de ….nahin hain? Tisra dein daaal …nahin hain? Choutha de!!!!!!!!"
"Sir Ne MEMC ka last date extend kiya tha"
"extend kiya tha? Lekin mujhe last date pata nahin thi "
Submission
student 1: ye word kya hain? Aise kiv likha hain ?
Student 2: Maine gaurav ka copy kiya hain ...mera assignment chk ho gaya hain …jyada sawal mat puch..chup chap likh daal"
" Ye bhi chhapna hai kya??"
"Iska graph chipkana hai kya?"
(RGIT mechanical special) "Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"
EXAM
"ye mat padh ye last time hi poochha thaa”
"Jo main learn karke jata hun , woh paper mein aata hi nahi aur jo nahi karta hai wohi aata hai"
"tere paas Daji ke notes hai??"
"ye question isbar ayega …past paper mein har 2 saal ke baad poocha hai"
" nahi samjha??? Ratta maar "
(RGIT mech special.... when a guy is intensely solving a prblm other guy goes there and tries to understand what he is doing and upon NOT understanding)…. "Yeh nahi aayega !!!"
Friday, June 26, 2009
You know you are from Mumbai when.....
You spend more time traveling than you spend at home.
9:47 fast means something to you.
You know what the term "video coach" stands for in the local trains...
You have hung on to your dear life at the local door.
You have hung on to your dear life at the local door.
When there's no place to breathe in the trains but there's place to play cards and sing bhajans
You consider the local train "empty" when you find a spot for your two feet to stand on.
It takes longer to get off from your house to the station than from one end of Mumbai to another by train.
Crorepati, Lakhpati, Hazarpati, Chillarpati all travel in local Trains daily-together!.
You consider the local train "empty" when you find a spot for your two feet to stand on.
It takes longer to get off from your house to the station than from one end of Mumbai to another by train.
Crorepati, Lakhpati, Hazarpati, Chillarpati all travel in local Trains daily-together!.
U think that Delhi copied INDIA GATE from Mumbai’s GATEWAY OF INDIA...
You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You refer to the city as Mumbai and not Bombay.
You say that Pani Puri is waayy better than Gol Gappa's even when they're the same thing
Every three months you look at your street and say "Why're they digging the road again?"
You aren't surprised when somebody throws a water balloon at you while you're walking on the streets during March.
Every time you speak Hindi in front of a Delhitite they have the WTF expression on their face.
Every time a Delhite speaks to you in Hindi YOU have a WTF expression
When while giving directions you say "Right MARO aur wahan pe ek bridge GIREGA…….
You have the following sets of friends: school friends, college friends, neighborhood friends, office friends and train friends, a species unique to Mumbai
When you think everyone who lives to the south(Mumbai) of you is a snob and to the north of you sucks
when u c movie names like "shootout at Lokhandwala" & 'Ek chalis ki last local" & don't have to ask what the name means
when "chalta hai" is the most commonly used word
Everything to the north of Mumbai is UP-Bihar and everything below is Madras
If someone calls u "aap"-- u start laughing on their faces...
when you call the BEST bus, BST, even though BEST is painted on every single public transport bus operational in Bombay
Being truly alone makes you nervous.
You have learnt how to stand in a queue
Stock market quotes are the only other thing besides cricket which you follow passionately.
You prefer saying 'kaanda' and 'batata' rather than 'aaloo' or 'pyaaz'.
You don’t dare stand near the entrance of a virar fast EVEN when you want to get down in fear of being crushed by the deluge that’s just gonna pour in at the next station.
When you enter the train and see that the bench is occupied by just three people (which IS actually meant to accommodate three people) you tell them to “khisak” a little to make place for u to sit.
You don’t dare stand near the entrance of a virar fast EVEN when you want to get down in fear of being crushed by the deluge that’s just gonna pour in at the next station.
When you enter the train and see that the bench is occupied by just three people (which IS actually meant to accommodate three people) you tell them to “khisak” a little to make place for u to sit.
You think of Chowpatty and Juhu beaches as 'nature'
You haven't heard the sound of true, absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you
u treat Mumbai as a country in itself
when you actually see random people coming to help you when u have a problem
u want to get into the train that is already in motion & u have 5 hands taking u in..
You are back to work next day after the city is bombed - Truly the spirit of Mumbai
When you allow complete strangers to spend the night in your house because its raining outside and half the city is submerged...
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