Best Engineering memories!There’s a thing called viva (orals) in engineering that most public (I mean the students) abhor ….why? Firstly we aren’t prepared at all for it, what with all the journals and assignments to write, and the dreaded submissions, and practicals to attend and “other” important work to do (come to think of it we are NEVER prepared!!!!!)
Secondly there’s a creature that goes by the name of external (lunatic out of work profs from other colleges), who conducts the viva, and who are hell bent on making our lives miserable by asking stupid idiotic questions which mostly are out of the syllabus (I mean asking when is Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday in a Fluid Mechanics oral just because our college is named after the leader can only be termed as the height a lunatic can reach, and trust me there WERE plenty of heights reached by members of this tribe)
Thirdly the oral is a process which gives instant feedback to a student on his fate. He comes to know right there -on the basis of questions asked by the lunatic-weather he is passed or if his fate has been sealed because the lunatic prof. who has come to conduct the orals has had a major fight with his wife the morning of the said day!!!
I’ve seen students studying for the orals like their life depended on it. These folks may not take the book in their hands for the written exams but they will learn their hearts out for the orals!!!
Our great mechanical department was mostly based in the basement .so on the day of the viva you would see folks in various body positions sitting on the stairs leading down mugging. The most tensed up items would be roll number one and two (orals are mostly conducted in batches of two).so the first of the two warriors would be getting ready ,reading furiously from 4 books spread before them , asking questions to fellow warriors in rapid static bursts …what’s the Knudsen number? Whats the Navier-Stokes equations? Whats the Bernoulli’s equation? Whats the difference between the two equations? When is Rajiv Gandhi’s birthday?!!!!!!!!!!
Answers are fired back in similar static bursts from all around …the atmosphere is tense the air thick with mystery and tension ….and suddenly someone asks in all seriousness “aaj kounse subject ka viva hai yaar?” there are peels of laughter from all over. This is our in-house official clown cum prankster cum everything –satta.I forgot his real name but even our professors used to call him that.
Once I had the real fortune of going for the Fluid Mechanics viva with this guy (was paired with him because some VJTI prof. had come and he decided to pair the junta randomly according to roll numbers) .Now both of us are as prepared as we can be (read: we aren’t prepared at all) and are really scared to our b@#$$% coz we have come to know via our local prof. that this fellow is a real khadus guy. We go inside wish the external and get prepared to be badgered. He takes my journal in his hand and starts going through the stuff that ive written.
External: nice handwriting
Me (thank god): thank you sir.
He just rushes through the pages n comes back to the first page which is the certificate page and has my name written on it.
External: so your name’s LEONARDO??
Me: Leonard sir
External: ohh so Ur just ‘o’ short from becoming the great Leonardo da Vinci huh? hahahahahah heheheheheheh
Me and satta (both of us thought this was a stupid joke but what the hell the external is laughing for god’s sake so while in lunatic land do as the lunatics do !!!): hahahahahah heheheheheheh
External: so Leonardo what are your hobbies? Do you paint?
Me: yes yes of course sir (I do I really do)
External: Great yaar, nice to know that.
He then proceeds to Sign my journal……End of viva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Satta who is sitting besides me is elated .He thinks the oral is over for the BOTH of us. But his joy is short lived .External takes satta’s journal in his hand, flips through it and comes to some assignment satta, like the most of us, has copied from some other guy.
External (squinting hard to read what satta has written): Terrible handwriting you have .Tell me the Bernoulli’s equation?
Satta just stares at him like he has been hit by a ton of bricks ….
Satta (what the f#$% is that???): sir uhhhh huhhhhh uhhh Bernoulli’s equation????
External: ok fine tell me the difference between Newtonian vs. non-Newtonian fluids.
Satta (W.t.f??): uhhhh huhhhhh
External: ok write down the Bernoulli’s equation here on this paper
Satta doesn’t know what the hell he is talking; he just stares at him with his mouth wide open …
External: ok tell me which chapters have you studied for your orals today?
Satta (the ever clever genius in making excuses): sir I have a K.T paper tomorrow morning, I was studying that sir for the past three days.
External: ohh ok .which subject is it?
Satta: Applied Thermodynamics-1 third SEM sir
External: thik hain I will ask you on that!!!!!!!!!!
Satta who hasn’t studied a word of that subject either knows that he is in serious shit now …he grabs my hand with his by now sweating hand from under the table and looks pleadingly at me.
External: Tell me the properties of a fluid
Satta: uhhh huhhh properties of a fluid???
External (getting irritated): you don’t know the properties of a fluid???
Satta: uhh huhhhh uhhh hhhhh …………….
External (pissed): get out of here and please come prepared the next time (indirectly saying you’re failed)
External (looking at me): Leonardo teach him some things will you??
Me: yes sir yes sir...
So now that you get a general idea about how our orals are conducted, am gonna give you the choicest of picks from the most commonly used dialogues and phrases from engineering …here goes …
VIVA (b4 going for the orals)
"viva?? Are baba Submission he kiya nahin hain toh VIVA kya ghanta dega??"
“Aaj kounsa viva hain yaar ?”
“Anna aur tholya ko wapaas andar bulaya hain’’
“pagal ye iis subject mein nahin atta !!!!!’’
“External is asking coefficient of viscosity of sea water!!!”
VIVA (after oral)
“daji ke notes mein se puch rahan hain’’
"Salla sab syllabus ke bahar se pucch rahan hain"
" ye aise solve karte hai kya? Maine udhar kuch dusra kiya !!!"
"library mein ye book khatam ho gayi hain "
During Lecture
"Baba (our class scholi) ke tiffin main se wafer nikal… Bahot Bhook lagi hai" (This by the way is a RGIT mechanical special)
"Gaurav tera DOM ka assignment 3 de dal , muje likhna hain !!"
”Journal paper hai?? Assignment likhna hain!!!!"
"Yeh Gadekar ka bhi lecture lene wala hain kya?"
"Yeh kya padha raha hai yaar??????!!"(This is common patented mechanical stuff)
On being Late
(This is a classic..Can be used anytime)
“Train was late"
"Was caught up in the Traffic at four bungalows"(Most Profs who came via this junction would buy this excuse)
SOM/ATD/FMC/MEMC Lab
"Practicals kab hone wala hai?" Maine last time ka Exp. Nahin likha…
(This is a classic)"calculations mein Karna kya hai??"
" sir ne Attendance liya kya ??"
Monthly Test
(on the day of the test)"Aaj kounsa test hai?"
“Attendance compulsory hain kya?”
"Yeh usne kab sikhaya??"
Assignments
KOM ka dusra assg de ….nahin hain? Tisra dein daaal …nahin hain? Choutha de!!!!!!!!"
"Sir Ne MEMC ka last date extend kiya tha"
"extend kiya tha? Lekin mujhe last date pata nahin thi "
Submission
student 1: ye word kya hain? Aise kiv likha hain ?
Student 2: Maine gaurav ka copy kiya hain ...mera assignment chk ho gaya hain …jyada sawal mat puch..chup chap likh daal"
" Ye bhi chhapna hai kya??"
"Iska graph chipkana hai kya?"
(RGIT mechanical special) "Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"
EXAM
"ye mat padh ye last time hi poochha thaa”
"Jo main learn karke jata hun , woh paper mein aata hi nahi aur jo nahi karta hai wohi aata hai"
"tere paas Daji ke notes hai??"
"ye question isbar ayega …past paper mein har 2 saal ke baad poocha hai"
" nahi samjha??? Ratta maar "
(RGIT mech special.... when a guy is intensely solving a prblm other guy goes there and tries to understand what he is doing and upon NOT understanding)…. "Yeh nahi aayega !!!"
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